The Life and Times of the Confused

Here I am again.  Another day (I would say another dollar but since it's my day off I won't say that part).  I rolled into my house at 9:00 a.m.  I don't know why people look at you like your doing the "walk of shame", when your just coming home from a pleasant night at the boys house.  Well maybe I was a little shameful of the things I did.  It's very odd that I can let myself relax around him so much that I do things that I normally would never do.  It's great and it's wonderful.  I expressed these thoughts to him last night and his response "good, plus I think you have to have deep feelings for someone before you will let them touch you."  Ok looking at my past track record I would beg to differ (I was kind of a how shall we say "friendly" in my younger years).  But this guy is different, I am always myself and never have to hide anything.  Hell he even gets frustrated when I censor myself at times.  He said that he wants the real me.  After I got done laughing at that, I simply mentioned that he had NO idea what he was getting into with the real me.  Then we had "the talk".  What are we? (not me asking btw)  I told him I don't like to put labels on anything because that's normally when it starts to go to hell.  I explained at this time we are two people who enjoy each other company immensely and have amazing sex.  The fact that we are both little on the dark side and a little bit crazy is just a bonus.  This seem to placate him.  I know neither one of us are in that point in life that we are willing or able to "be the one" for each other.  I am just glad at this point in time the we can enjoy each other.  I am just a little confused on this though.  Because frankly he treats me like I always imagined a man should treat a woman.  It's very odd and I hate it when my head and my heart battle.  I never come out a winner when this happens.

Stop Doing That Or The Monkey Gets Molested

Well last night was a interesting night.  The boy came over after he got off work.  It had been a long week for me (pain and not feeling well).  So the boy suggested that he come over and we just relax and hang out.  It sounded like a great idea to me.  I really do like this boy.  He's nice and sweet (ok maybe just to me but that's what counts)  he can carry on a conversation and doesn't irritate me (big big deal for me).  I never really thought he liked me "that way".  You see he is 9 years younger than me and the age difference I thought was just a little bit to big.  In same ways I still do.  According to him though, "I have never dated someone my own age or younger."  Now this kinda scares me because the first thing that pops into my head is mother issues.  But it doesn't appear to be that way.  I think he really likes a good conversation, and he says that he can't get that from younger women.  Anyways, he comes over and we are talking and hanging out.  He is sitting at my computer, trying to find some music to listen to.  I light a cigarette and the smoke goes right at him.  I told him that he was in the wrong place.  He takes this as move.  Which I know he doesn't like the smoke coming right at him so I thought was a good idea.  He comes to sit on the bed next to me.  I'm just being my normal silly self and playing with a stuffed monkey that I have.  I was making it dance and basically entertaining myself.  He grabs the monkey and says to me "stop doing that or the monkey gets molested" now this just made me roll laughing.  It was good because this is exactly what I needed.  He then starts to get really antsy and get up and moving around and when I question him about it (btw he doesn't like to give answers to questions)  he says "I'm thinking of doing something, but I don't know if it is a good idea".  Now I'm very confused.  While I have no illusions that I find him attractive and would probably sleep with him in a heart beat, I never thought he felt the same way.  He goes on to say "this would be so much easier for me if you were ugly."  I chose to act offended, but to those who know me, that would SO not be something I was offended by.  He gets his cute little grin on his face and just looks at me.  Ok butterflies in my stomach!  Then he takes my hand and starts massaging it.  In my mind I'm thinking "cool I'm making progress" .  But of course my mind and my mouth SO don't get along so I say "THAT was what you were so wishy washy about? THAT is what you didn't know if you wanted to do?"  My brain is screaming "SHUT UP!" but of course my mouth doesn't listen.  I go onto say "wow I thought it was going to be something like you asking me for a blow job or something."  Then there is a awkward silence.  And some more awkward silence....and some more awkward silence. I swear I could just beat myself up!  But the night went on and it was still go.  We talked we laughed, but I swear if my brain and my mouth would just get along, I might of been able to get some!